I rarely write something in here or on facebook. Usually it's as a result of some sort of event. And it's rarely a good event. But, gladly, today is something in between. It's not bad, nor good, but an important mile stone, a fixed point in my life that might not gonna change one bit in my life, but still has some weight and meaning to me personally.
Now, as you see, I've chosen to write this one in english. Not to showoff, but because for me somethings or topics flow better in my head in a specific language. Russia is my most vocabulary rich language, so I prefer to use it if the topic is greatly complex. English is a bit more personal, usually best for monologues, like this one. And hebrew is a bit forced social or job related language, easily the most unwanted and difficult for me. But we're not here for that. And I use "we" as in "you and me", you - whoever is reading this. Even tho I'm writing this on a social network website, whatever I'm writing isn't for anybody to read, but it's for you to read it. Forgive me my deviation from the subject, but I find a bit explanation goes a long way to avoid misunderstanding.
And so, yesterday I had a 27th birthday. Usually birthdays are no big deal, I try to work on that day, but if I can't I just stay home, maybe even turn my cellphone off and stay out of vk and facebook for a day. Day after I check and reply to all the "happy birthday, man!" from my friends, loved ones and people I know with who's chats are filled ones a year at this date with a simply "happy b-day" and my reply "thanks". Whats the point of the last ones, right? Oh well, we are not here for a discussion on a social normalities.
On a surface it was a nice birthday, stayed home, everything was very quiet, I've slept most of the day. But in the back of my head was one phrase that was on my might back and forth sense the last birth day - "Today, I'm older than my father ever was and ever will be". A simple phase, an acknowledgment of the state of things and time. But it had something behind it. Something with weight to it.
I have only two pictures of my father. Was never too interested in him, I was raised by my mother, her mother and her mother. Three generations of women. Some was without man by a choice, some was not. My mother was never hardcore feminist and acknowledge that some things man do better, some women do better. But without words since a young age I quickly understood, that even tho my father is my biological father, he is no dad to me, nor a parent, nor a family. Our parents are the people who raised us, not the ones that give their seed. Now, if the person who raised you and the person who conceived you are one and the same, it is great and a wonderful thing, but that's not the story for some of us. For those who are not that lucky, we have dilemmas on that subject and each one of us chooses something that speaks truth to him. And now you know my truth.
On those two pictures and I have of him, he is young, smiles and shaved. He is a bit more manly in a build that I am, but I feel like now I look older than him. It is such a wierd feeling - being older than your parent. And I don't mean old photos of somebody who is still alive, that's how they were and now you know how are they now. I mean people who passed, on those last pictures that's how they've left this world, that's how the people who knew them and the world itself will remember them. This is how they are, in the infinite way "now", alive or dead.
And so, from this day on my story is longer than my father's ever way. Longer by a day? A year? 30 years? Who knows. But longer. I feel like I'm stepping into unknown territory, even know I'll do the same things I did a week ago at my job, my home won't change, nor my friends. Everything will be the same, but different in a way. I would say "I'm stepping out of his shadow", but I don't feel like I ever was under it. Under my mother's for sure, she is hard working person who's has a great erudition. But my father.. He was in high-school with my mom, played soccer, got into army, came back, worked at a butchery shop, had my as a kid with my mom, never married her, got another kid with a different woman at the same time and never married her either. And then he died of blood infection after some regular surgery. There is no legacy for me no conquer. No shadow to step out of. No chains to shred.
The only thing I can think of, is maybe this is my last connection to him - our age. And now, we are finally passed that. I'm shaken to my very core just by though of that one day I might say that about my mother. But hopefully she will live as long as possible to an age that will never come to and so this will never happen. But for now, the last thing that was connecting me to my father, how ever vaguely it might be, has gone. Now I can let him go entirely.